This year isn’t a good year for me. I’m feeling the holes left by the missing people in my life, and it hurts. Add to that the fact that my Grandpa-in-law isn’t expected to live through the weekend, and it turned into an I-don’t-feel-like-Christmas.
I decided to shoot some pictures of our Christmas tree, because I’ve seen so many neat ornament photos lately, and I thought I would share them with you, along with some thoughts on the holes.
I have a set of brass ornaments hanging on our tree which my Mom & Dad had made when I was little.
We had a family ornament, seen here, and one for each family member. They are the only ornaments that I insist on hanging up myself. They hold precious memories of years gone by.
Cindy was my younger sister.
Bubbly and energetic, and genius-IQ smart, she was my closest friend through many military transfers. I was 11 when she was taken from us, killed at the age of 9 by a drunk driver. The green monster-ish “ornament” here is—if I recall correctly—The Grinch.
Her name is written on the back, in red felt marker all childish and large. I have protected this Grinch, green and papery, faded and now nearly 30 years old, the only thing I have that she made with her own hands.
Betty was my Mom, whose battle with cancer was amazing, painful, and inspiring to me.
She was 44 when it took her. She fought, oh how she fought, but we cannot fight the Lord and His timing. I was five months pregnant with J. This is perhaps the most gaping hole.
I can still feel it, ragged and dull, soft now but always there.
This Christmas has brought it back into sharpness, feeling her not here now more with my own teens to raise and feeling like I need my Mom so much and she isn’t here. 17 years this February, and I am left to glean wisdom from other older women, women I love and look up to as mothers in Christ, but still not my Mom.
The Lord knew that we would have holes.
He knew that our lives and our holidays would not always be perfect. That we would not always strive for godliness and holiness as much as we sometimes strive to just get through. That in these times my faith would be the only thing that carries me through, when my holey-ness pushes aside my desire for His holiness.
And yet He fits inside of the holes.
Each one is perfectly filled by Him, as my substitute in death, taking the punishment I deserved, also my substitute for Life. The One reminding me that each day is precious, each “I love you” and smile, and that Life is what we must seek out when we feel we are all holey and dark and sad.
I call Heaven and Earth to witness against you today: I place before you Life and Death, Blessing and Curse. Choose life so that you and your children will live. And love God, your God, listening obediently to him, firmly embracing him. Deuteronomy 30:19 MSG
Christmas isn’t always fun for everyone. This year, I am one of those. I am feeling the weight of recent fractures within my family, the holes of loved ones passed on, and one who is most likely going to the Lord this very weekend. Jesus will be my Sufficiency, my Hope and my Shelter. If this Christmas is a difficult one for you, I pray that He is these for you as well.
Oh Dawn, what a sweet testimony of God's provision and comfort when we feel blue. Such a wonderful gift, to have that set of brass ornaments and the paper grinch.
My great grandmother made many, many beaded and crocheted ornaments — more than enough to fill her own Christmas tree. At this point, my grandmother, her three children and my brother and I each have a portion of her ornaments. It's neat for me to think that these will continue to be passed down the generations. When my children have families of their own, they will each receive their portion, and when my grandmother passes on, hers will be distributed down and the cycle will keep going. It makes me smile, and it also makes me think that perhaps I should ask my grandmother and my mother to make a set of ornaments. I would like to have some made by them, 20 years from now, 40 years from now, when they are gone.
God BLESS you, this Christmas, Dawn. Perhaps his plan for you this Christmas is that He would get to hold you through the holiday and that you would feel his arms around you. May there be a Merry Christmas there in the middle of His embrace.
I can relate. I am missing loved ones who are "making the holes" in my Christmas too. Fortunately, as with you, Christ is there in my CHRISTmas as well. I'll be thinking of you & this post on Christmas Day. Let's both hang on to the hem of His garment.
God bless~ Andrea
Andrea, that is about all I have the strength to do this year. Thank you for your thoughts and yes, LET'S- He makes it easy for us to do it. He is always there! 🙂 God bless!
Thank you so much for your prayers. Praying to have water soon. The goal is to have it before Christmas.
I am so sorry to hear about E's grandpa. It is never easy to say goodby to those we love even if they are going on to a better place. Our prayer s are with your family. We too are feeling many "holes this Christmas" and I can so relate to needing Mom when raising a family. There isn't a day I don't wish I had her to turn to but the Lord has given me many wonderful and wise friends to lean on when things are tough. The Lord always gives us just what we need and I am ever so thankful. Take care of yourself and God bless you and your family.
Thanks Chris! Gosh I haven't talked to you in so long. Give me a call sometime this week or next okay? 😉
Just hopping over from Gather Inspirit. Praying that God gives you joy and fills those holes that only He can fill!
This is just what I needed to read.
Your beautiful words and faith are inspiring. I am so glad you have that ornament from your sweet sister.
Thanks for your kind words on twitter- right now, they really mean so much.
xoxo
Tiffany
Tiffany I am glad that it was helpful for you. Without my faith I wouldn't even be here. Hang in there- it is going to take time. The Lord is there. Let yourself feel what you need to feel. He'll be there.
Dawn, what a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it with specifically. I know how you feel. My mom passed in 1991. And while I do not celebrate Christmas, I miss her intensely this time of year because she loved the twinkle of the lights and the sounds and always made sure we shared the holiday with our friends to help them make it special.
I'm sorry your sister was taken. There is no explanation. It wasn't planned by G-D. It was a human act. But it is your faith in G-D that keeps her spirit alive and watching over you. I love that ornament. I, too, would hold it like it was given by the magi.
They may no longer be with us on earth, but they shall never be gone from our heart.
Yes Sara, that is the truth.